The Fetching Milestone

As a parent, there is one milestone in particular that I really looked forward to with each child, the day they learned to fetch. It’s the beginning of a whole new life sprinkled with a moment or two to sit down during the day.

I started very early with my first two. The moment they were independently mobile I was trying my luck asking them to get something for me. It was worth a shot to ask my seven month old babies to crawl over and get himself a new diaper.

But there is a catch. Just because they may have learned the skill of going to get something all by themselves doesn’t mean they will actually do it for you. At first it’s all about them. They are excited to discover something new that they can do and will eagerly oblige. But it doesn’t take long for the novelty to wear off and suddenly they realize that they are just doing “work” that Mommy is supposed to be doing because Mommy does everything. And labeling it “help” and trying to explain that concept to a five year old is really no help at all.

And then there is bribery (admit it). I know bribery is not the ideal route, but I have convinced myself that if I use it, it will at least get them into the habit of helping; I’m training them, if you will. (Now that I see this logic written in front of me it’s screaming “backfire”).

And thank goodness for humor, like when I ask Madeline to get her shoes and coat on because the bus is coming and she comes back moments later barreling through the kitchen on roller skates…with no coat. Or when I ask Leo to go get me a pair of jammies from his room and he comes back, very proudly, with his Handy Manny wrench. “Here Mommy, I got you this”, as if he knew better than I did what I really needed.

I struggle with hypocrisy here too. It’s hard to explain to my six year old why I ask her to pick up some of her two year old brother’s messes. She won’t accept the fact that trying to get him to do certain things is really just more work for me. I have to pick my battles.

She gets her revenge however. Like when Leo came back with that wrench instead of his pajamas. She thought it was hysterical. I gave up and asked her to PLEASE go get them for me;

“He’ll get them Mommy, just ask him again.”

“You just want to see what he brings back next don’t you?”

“Yeah I really do” she giggles.

I have to admit, I’m curious too. But in the end, Mommy would get the pajamas, because Mommy does everything, (and because pajamas=bedtime).

First day of Kindergarten: Mommy vs. The Monster

First day of Kindergarten: Mommy vs. The Monster

Madeline is heading off to kindergarten. She is ridiculously ready for her new challenge. I have spent many nights lying in bed next to her probing for any apprehensions she may choose to confess. Nothing! “I’m not worried mom, it’s gonna be great. I’m gonna make new friends and I’m gonna learn lots of stuff and you are gonna be so proud.” Yes, my mommy, I mean my daughter, has assured me that kindergarten is going to be great and I, I mean she, is going to be just fine.

The night before her kindergarten screening, we talked about what would be expected of her the next day in her very first school experience. I wasn’t really sure myself, but I was confident that she would pass with flying colors. What I did not know was that she was going to stand so tall, look these new strangers right in the eye, speak clearly and confidently when spoken to and remember her manners with no prompting. I sat in awe watching my child glide gracefully from station to station meeting new people and answering new questions, eager to move on and conquer the next and seemingly waiting for the hard stuff.

I was soon informed that there would be a special “first day of school” for kindergartners and their parents. Moms and dads were invited to ride the bus that first day with their child and to spend the day with them at school helping us all to learn the ropes together. I was ecstatic. Gone were the days of sending our most valued possession off into the “real world” all alone while we sit home wondering if they can handle their new role of “student”. Parents don’t have to worry about peeling their child off of their leg and abandoning the tear soaked faces of their little ones. We don’t have to wonder if they are eating lunch all alone or wandering around the playground aimless and friendless. I however, had been fairly content knowing that none of this would be a problem with my daughter. No, my problem would arise only now with this new development. Would my very independent daughter allow me to get on that school bus with her and hang around all day?

Yes, my daughter has far exceeded my expectations of growing into a strong, autonomous little girl. But in my relentless efforts to raise a young lady who is courageous, confident and self-reliant, I have created a bit of a monster, and I imagine this monster surfacing right there on that school bus when those doors close behind us and I am still on it. I fear its wrath when we arrive at her new school and enter her classroom, and I pull up a chair and attempt to blend in before the monster notices that I am still there. “Mom, you can go now”, she will politely suggest, as usual, while trying to contain the monster who is about to spit fire and demand that I get off her turf. This is about the time when I usually oblige and appease the monster who typically lurks around daycare, the grandparents houses and all of her friends houses. These are her territories, and there is no room or need for mom.

I have attempted to prepare her for my looming presence on her big day. I have expressed how much fun we are going to have together, and she has flat out replied that moms don’t go to kindergarten. I have explained that this is just one special day and it’s going to be great, to which she responds with only an eerie silence and a fiery, piercing, we’ll-see-about-that glance from the rousing monster.

Well, I too can be brave and courageous, and I have every intention of taking on the beast of insistent independence. I am confident that my desire to watch my daughter take on her new challenges is more than powerful enough to conquer the monster. Anyway, I use to be the master of invisibility when I was little and those nighttime monsters came out of the closet or from under my bed. I’m pretty sure I can conjure up this magic power again for the sake on my impending beaming pride! I wouldn’t miss this for anything.

When I was 25 I vowed never to try to change a man. At 30 I realized that thanks to their mothers, every guy is going to need some tweaking. Unfortunately for our generation, our husbands’ doting mothers went out of their way to ensure that their son would always need them, and that no woman would ever live up to dear old mom. The result; needy, pouting, non-communicating, helpless slobs who grow up expecting their wives to pick up their dirty socks, learn how to make mom's special grilled cheese sandwiches and apple pie, always put their needs first, and to anticipate their every need before they are forced to express themselves verbally. And mom would accept nothing less from her future daughter-in-law than her very best, yet never quite good enough, efforts to fill her shoes.
I love my mother-in-law dearly. She raised five boys and was the typical doting mother (I often dream of the difference just one sister would have made in this family). Even now, no one can walk into her house without being bombarded with a barrage of “Can I get you…or…or some…?” Her grown boys are often shamelessly unappreciative of her undying need to serve them and at times, respond in a very obnoxious manner. I insist she should scold them when they do this and she says she is too nice and they are grown men and she doesn't feel that would be right. It's a lost cause at this point and while I love her youngest son very much, I resent having to teach him the basics that his mother let fall through the cracks. I have even, on occasion, suggested (insistently) that he call her and apologize for his behavior. “I hope she doesn’t think you speak to me that way, or that I will ever let our son speak to me like that.” Enough said (for now). I don’t believe in scolding grown men either, until he acts like a bratty child.
When I was growing up, my brother would declare that he was hungry and my mother would offer to make him something. When I said it, she would offer me a list of things that I could make myself. I'm grateful for her teaching me to be self-sufficient, and confused as to why she didn't think my brother needed this life skill. The other day I was at my brother's house visiting with my sister-in-law. He was doing some painting in their new house and she was tending to their baby. At one point my brother said, "Julie make me...I mean, can you make me a ham and cheese sandwich please." She and I looked at each other in disgust knowing he what he was going to say before he remembered they had company. Luckily his wife is a strong woman who is begrudgingly trying to patch the holes my mother left in my brother.
Our society has taught us (falsely) that boys are the tougher sex, so if our son is crying or simply not content, he must really, really need his mommy. Wrong! He is crying because he knows mommy will cave. Then these boys grow into men, their crying turns into pouting and the caving in becomes the wife's job. Well I have two children to raise and no intention of setting the poor example of caving in to anyone’s pouting!
We, as mothers have a responsibility to our fellow women. Take a good look at your husband, or even your father, and ask yourself what would make them a better husband/father. Be sure to instill these missing links in your son. I will teach my son to communicate his feelings, attempt to meet his own needs before assuming someone else will, and most of all RESPECT HIS MOTHER. He will learn (with any luck) to have faith in himself that even when I am not around, he will survive with the skills I have given him.
We all want our sons to fall for a woman who reminds them of dear old mom. But while I hope that my son seeks out a woman just like his mother, I hope he is drawn to her for her strength, her big heart and her unconditional love rather than her desire to meet his every need. His wife will thank me later.

The term "Flip-flopping" underminds my parenting!

I try very hard to teach my children that it is ok and even anticipated that they make mistakes. As human beings cursed with our own free will, we are expected to err with the understanding that those errors will teach us something and help us to evolve into better versions of ourselves. We must acknowledge and admit to our mistakes, reflect on what should have been done differently, and implement what we’ve learned in future decisions. Refusing to do so will lead to an inevitable, detrimental, and irreversible snowball effect. Yet I can’t let my children watch the news, not because of the violence and risk of nightmares, but because I worry that the example that politicians are setting and pundits are echoing and thriving on will surely unravel all of my hard parenting work. How can I explain my policies of playing fair, sharing, no name calling, no hitting, and no lying if my children are watching these elected leaders of our nation break every one of these rules? I would surely come off as quite the hypocrite.

The term “flip flopping” is a prime example of such hypocrisy. Having the courage and wisdom to learn and evolve, to make our parents proud has been given this disparaging title, while the stubborn and close minded refusal to admit to and learn from our mistakes has become common practice in politics. Flip-flopping has become the Republican slang for notions such as learning, reasoning, logic and common sense. They use it to defend their position on never admitting to making a mistake. No matter how badly their plans may go awry, or how destructive their actions may be to our nation, the single most important thing is to stand by their close minded beliefs and devastating reflex reactions because anything else means admitted defeat and bruised egos.

Barak Obama has so far been accused of “flip flopping” on campaign finance and his stance on Iraq. First, he decided it would not be in the best interest of our country to spend $85 million of taxpayer dollars on his campaign when, in fact, he doesn’t need it anyway. Surely, he knows, there are much better ways to spend that money and he will find those ways when he is elected President. But he is flip flopping because while before he believed he would need it to help convince us to elect him and to defend himself against the expensive Republican attacks, he has now LEARNED that he can count solely on his many supportive believers. We believe in his notion of giving this country back to US and I, for one, appreciate his decision to save US that $85 million. “Waste not, want not”, my father always said.

So what is the problem? Is it that it makes John McCain look bad because he has to take this money since his believers aren’t quite so supportive? Nothing could make him look worse than standing side by side and arm in arm with George Bush as he throws all of his support behind McCain. It is an attempt to move towards that campaign finance reform everyone is always talking about but never acting on. But they say “he went back on his word.” I think most of us would agree that those words are not worth $85 million tax dollars. The fact that he had the reasoning and sense to do it in the face of certain attacks is priceless.

Obama is now “flip flopping” on Iraq. He agreed with the Republicans that he should visit Iraq and get an idea of what is going on there before continuing his vow to end the war within 16 months of his term. He acknowledged that circumstances are probably bad beyond his comprehension (this snowball has grown into a full blown avalanche). He also, using reasoning and logic, suggests that any pre-conceived ideas and plans for ending the war will be refined accordingly. This resonates what he has been saying all along “we must be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in.”

In a response to this latest attack, Obama defended his consistency saying that he does not intend to lead and act on the basis of pre-conceived notions as the current administration has done, adding, "One of the things I've always tried to do is learn from mistakes and try to get better". This is exactly the notion that Republicans cannot seem to grasp. They insist that the idea that this young, inexperienced kid “flip-flops” on his stance on issues is a serious, even dangerous character flaw. This is how they got John Kerry. Kerry was a flip-flopper because he had the common sense to admit that yes, he did vote in support of the war, but soon realized, as most of us did, that this war was a terrible mistake and we must figure out how to end it as soon as possible.

Yes Obama is inexperienced, but this is part of what many find so appealing about him. His lack of political experience affords him his logic, reasoning and common sense. He still values those early lessons his strong, single mother and loving grandparents instilled in him. These things are an anomaly in politics these days and, particularly on the Right, are not welcomed. I pray that our nation survives the un-confessed mistakes of our leaders. And I pray that my children (and I) survive their own certain mistakes and missteps. I intend to make certain, however, that my children are honest, accept responsibility for their actions and learn from them so as not to repeat them. And I will never accuse them of “flip-flopping” when they do

Is America Ready for a Black President?

My aunt just sent me an email congratulating me on my candidate winning the democratic nomination. “He deserves it” she says, but follows that up by saying that he is far too liberal for her to vote for, and while she wishes she could vote for him, she doesn’t think that “being black alone is reason enough to vote for anyone.” I couldn’t agree more. But I smile at the irony of this statement, as I am certain that only four years ago when this country proved capable of re-electing George Bush, being black alone would have been reason enough NOT to vote for someone. Now some say he is lucky to be black and in the right place at the right time. My, how far we have come. And we only had to dangle by a thread over rock bottom to get here.

Of course, my father, who has always voted Republican but has promised me he would vote for Barak Obama if he won the nomination (perhaps because he never believed he had a chance) still insists that this country is not ready to elect a black president. He reminds me that there are at least three organizations in our town that do not accept blacks. This, I insist, is precisely why Obama must win. Not because he is a black man, but because he is the first person to cross our deep seeded racial divides and to galvanize people so much so that they see beyond his color and threatening name.

Barak Obama has defied a nation. He stared down the face of a mercilessly ignorant society and somehow saw something he believed in. Something that told him we were ready to get to the heart of the matter, to face our greatest demons and answer some burning questions, and thus, to heal. We CAN learn from our centuries of mistakes, lies, and hypocrisies. We CAN accept that the white men do not have all the answers and do have far too much power! We can face racism head on; acknowledge it, admit to it, discuss it, and even survive it. YES WE CAN! And let’s face it, only a black man raised by white people in a inherently racist country, who was always damned if he did and damned if he didn’t and succeeded in spite of it all, has not only the Audacity of Hope, but the audacity and the right to hold up that mirror in our faces, and to put under a microscope, everything we have been terrified into believing was “right”.

While the media and campaign smear tactics threw us every bone to justify our racist tendencies, we refused to bite (enough of us anyway). We were able to consider the idea that we do not know the depths of our racial divides the way this biracial man does. We appreciate the experience that overcoming these obstacles may play in facing the detrimental class and partisan divides of this country and our world. We trust that the experience he lacks in the debacle that is our government and foreign policies has afforded him a steadfast commitment to and faith in basic human decency. (Anyway, how much experience does one need to make such a mess of things? Can’t his opponents hear the resounding “thank God” and collective sigh of relief every time they mention his lack of political experience?) And finally, we appreciate his genuine desire to forgive and rise above and to help us all do the same.

I recently heard one pundit explaining the generational divide in our country. Speaking of racial inequalities and gay rights, he says “to the younger I generations, it is obvious.” He is right, thank goodness. It is obvious that we are all entitled to equal EVERYTHING. It is obvious that believing otherwise has damaged our society and shamed our reputation in this world. And it is obvious that the ignorant and antiquated views that suggest, or more often demand otherwise have overstayed their welcome and are a fading phenomenon. Barak Obama’s victory is just the exclamation point we needed to reinforce this statement.

I feel for Hillary Clinton’s supporters. I understand what her nomination meant to those women whom are now too bitter to vote for any man of any color. These are the women who remember the days when their kind had no say, or the women who had the right to vote, but whose votes were meant only to echo and reinforce that of their husbands. But those days are long gone. And I, in my thirty two years, have never felt that any man had anything on me. I knew we were ready for a woman President, but I never imagined we were capable of legitimately considering a Barak Hussein Obama. And now I pray that the spite and disappointment of these Clinton supporters does not come at the expense of my children’s future.

I love that Barak Obama is a black man, but it is truly just the chocolate icing on the cake (pun intended in the sweetest way). His nomination represents the leaps and bounds of progress this country has made and speaks volumes of our possibilities and future. This cannot be ignored or denied. But it is his steadfast optimism, faith in our nation, insurmountable voice and vision for our country that feels like the answer to my nightly prayers and pleas for a better world for my children.

I will continue to pray every night that the Good Lord lead us in the right direction. I have made a point of wording it this way rather than to flat out ask that Obama become our president, in an attempt to express my faith in an all-knowing higher power. However, I will not consider it a coincidence if my greatest political wish is the answer to my prayers.